I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
They certainly give very strange names to diseases.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.
Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only pain we obey.
Three-quarters of the sicknesses of intelligent people come from their intelligence. They need at least a doctor who can understand this sickness.
A physician's physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric's divinity has to his power of influencing conduct.
You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.
Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.
Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm.
The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
As a medical doctor, it is my duty to evaluate the situation with as much data as I can gather and as much expertise as I have and as much experience as I have to determine whether or not the wish of the patient is medically justified.
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